The narcissist wants nothing more in life than to be in control of everything and everyone around them. When they can control a situation, they feel less out of control in their own lives. As I have mentioned previously, the narcissist has an unstable sense of self which makes them reactive to their environment. They can’t regulate their own emotions, so they rely on their environment as being as predictable as possible. The more control the narcissist has of their environment, the more control they have of their emotions and can protect against narcissistic injury. So, while the narcissist thrives on control, and actually needs this control to be able to function in the world, what happens when the narcissist can’t control you?
Remember that you are a source of narcissist supply for the narcissist. You are allowed in their life because it will benefit them in some way. And yes, it is an allowance granted by the narcissist because they are crafty in who they surround themselves with. Each person has an assigned role in their game of control and manipulation, even if you don’t know what your own role is. The narcissist knows what benefit you provide to them and how they can best use you. If the narcissist is running low on supply, they will try to get a refill from you, as well as others. As a source of supply for the narcissist, they must be able to control you so that you are a puppet that can be manipulated to meet their needs.
But you aren’t a puppet and have your own emotions and thoughts, so you aren’t always able to be controlled by the narcissist. However, this isn’t an option for the narcissist and if you become someone that they can’t control they quickly move into their narcissistic punishment tactics.
There are many narcissistic punishment tactics used by the narcissist when they can’t control you, but I will discuss only a few today. First, when the narcissist can’t control you, they are left confused. The tactics they have used previously to control are now not working and they didn’t plan for this possibility. The narcissist believes they are superior, and everyone is looking up to them, so to go counter to their belief is a shock to them – no matter how many times it happens. Remember, narcissists lack object constancy so they can’t consider the past, present, and future at the same time. All they see is how you are negatively impacting their life in this moment, and they don’t like that.
The primary options they will choose from to get back at you for not being controlled are the silent treatment or narcissistic rage.
The narcissist will use the silent treatment in hopes you think about the choice you made. The narcissist knows that you are a caring individual who wants things to go well, and when you know they are upset your goal is to help make things better. The longer the silent treatment goes on, the more likely you are to change your behavior to relieve the tension between you two. You may apologize, admit your assumed role in what happened, or otherwise address the situation in a way which removes all responsibility from the narcissist. This is exactly what they want and when you do any of those things you are putting the control back in the hands of the narcissist.
Sometimes a narcissist will choose rage to regain control. They will yell, scream, belittle, and name call all in hopes that you will back down and do as they want. No one wants to be yelled at, so you are more likely to take responsibility for what happened to again minimize the tension in the interaction. The narcissist uses these extreme behaviors because it leaves you few options for how to address the issue. They shut down all communication to regain control in their life.
The narcissist is incapable of managing their own emotions and will protect against any chance of being vulnerable and exposing themselves to narcissistic injury. When they can’t control you, they lose a sense of control in their highly controlled life and will do anything to regain control. You become the target for their narcissistic punishment tactics, and they will beat you down until their narcissist supply is sufficiently filled again.