Unpredictability. Chaos. Uncertainty. Unknowns. If you have had a narcissist in your life, you likely have become all too familiar with these words. They succinctly capture your relationship in just a few short ideas. While a narcissist can present as loving and caring, those actions are often short lived and dependent on the narcissist’s assessment of your behavior and whether it matches up to what they expect from you.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist it will often swing from intense moments of love to periods of rage and even violence. The narcissist is hypersensitive to criticism and lacks the ability to consider a person as good and bad in the same moment. Any perceived slight results in attacks on their partner as a way to manage the deep feelings of hurt the narcissist is feeling.
As a person stays in a relationship with a narcissist, they likely have the periods of good and bad, but they choose to stay. When the partner of a narcissist chooses to stay in the relationship, this leads to the narcissist believing they can behave anyway they like, and their partner will not leave them. However, there is always a point where someone can take no more and makes the decision to leave an abusive and toxic relationship. Leaving a narcissist is very hard and making the decision to leave is never an easy decision.
Just as the relationship with the narcissist is marked by chaos and uncertainty, the end of the relationship with a narcissist is no different, and sometimes worse. During the relationship, the narcissist felt a sense of control and this allowed the narcissist to manipulate their partner into staying. When the narcissist experienced times in which they were losing control, they would return to the tactics that worked in the past such as love bombing and idealization.
Nevertheless, when the partner makes the decision to finally leave the relationship, the narcissist has lost all control and will behave in a way that highlights their lack of control not only in the relationship, but in themselves. The narcissist will go into overdrive, throwing out all their tactics that have worked in the past, from love bombing, idealization, and even rage. Their attempts will move from pleasant and suggesting they do care about you, to scary and violent because they are feeling more helpless and out of control.
This is the grand finale. The final attempt by the narcissist to have their partner stay in the relationship. The narcissist has an inflated sense of self and believes they are superior. The thought that someone would no longer want to be with them doesn’t make sense. And in typical narcissist fashion, the end of the relationship is not about them, but about their partner and how they are the problem and in the wrong. Blame-shifting, projection, and rage allow the narcissist to place the blame on their partner for why the relationship has ended, and protect their unstable sense of self from further harm.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.