In many of my blogs on narcissism I discuss the concept of unstable sense of self. This is an important concept in understanding why narcissists behave the way they do and something I will discuss in more detail in this blog.
First, let’s define a sense of self. A sense of self is how you perceive characteristics that define you. This would include your likes, dislikes, interests, what you view as right and wrong, and your personality. When you have a strong sense of self, you know what each of those things are and move through life with recognition of those characteristics. They do not need to stay permanent, however, and can change over time. However, when one aspect of your sense of self changes, this doesn’t negatively impact all other components of your self. And while your characteristics of you can change over time, they remain somewhat stable and do not change in response to small changes in your environment.
An unstable sense of self, or unstable sense of identity, is when someone is unsure how they think about or perceive themselves. Individuals with narcissistic personality traits, or narcissists for ease of language, struggle with issues of identity. This is not the same as not knowing what direction you want to go in life such as relationships or career. This is a deeper sense of not knowing who you are. The narcissists’ sense of self is unstable because it is easily influenced by outside factors and small changes in their environment can leave them feeling uneasy and unsure how to function. They lack a strong sense of self so any changes around them can lead to feelings of insecurity and they do not know how to respond to this.
If you know any narcissists, you might have seen them act as if they are the greatest person in the world. They are grandiose and think they are superior to everyone else. They feel they deserve special treatment and behave in a way to suggest this belief is true. The narcissist might come off as someone with high self-esteem and can tackle all of life’s problems. The truth is, this is all an act. In their core, they have low self-esteem and many doubts about their abilities. The way they counter these internal doubts is by presenting an image of themselves that suggests otherwise.
At the core of a narcissist is a feeling of deep insecurity and they will work hard to ensure this insecurity is not presented to the world. If people knew how they really felt, then they would have to confront those insecurities head-on and they are just not able to do that. They present with an exaggerated sense of self as a way to hide their unstable sense of self.
The narcissist will alternate between viewing themselves as superior and deserving of unwavering praise, to feelings of contempt and self-hatred. They are sensitive to criticism and will use various control and manipulation tactics as a way to protect against any criticism. When criticized, their unstable sense of self becomes the most apparent and this is when they can become the most brutal. The narcissist will attack in their words as a way to get the focus off of them and project onto the other person what they are actually feeling.
During these moments, the narcissist will very quickly switch from loving you to hating you. They cannot hold in their mind the possibility that someone can exist as good and bad at the same time. If you did something to hurt them, even indirectly, they cannot continue to see you as someone who is lovable and deserving of love. This is because narcissists lack something termed object constancy.
Object constancy is the ability to maintain an emotional bond with someone even if they are not physically near you and/or there is conflict. It is the ability to understand that the person you are upset with continues to exist as the person you once loved and cared about and that person has not “disappeared” because you are upset with them. You can find more information on the topic of object constancy in my blog titled “what is object constancy with narcissists?”.
Why someone develops an unstable sense of self is still unclear, and there are various theories on this topic. For the purposes of understanding narcissism, it is important to recognize that their unstable sense of self leads to them not being able to hold consistent in their definition of who they are as a person, and this a reason they engage in controlling and manipulative behaviors as a way to regain a sense of stability in themselves, even for just a moment, at the expense of others.
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