If you have interacted with a narcissist, you may have experienced how they can be cold and uncaring, with a seeming lack of awareness on how their actions hurt others. They behave in ways that are self-centered and they can be mean and cruel day after day as if they don’t notice how their actions impact you. How can a narcissist be so cold and clueless at the same time?
To understand a narcissist, you must understand they lack empathy. In this blog I discuss what a lack of empathy looks like so you can start to better understand a narcissist and protect yourself from their abusive, controlling tactics.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share in the emotions of another person. You do not need to have had the same experiences as someone else to experience empathy. When you experience empathy, you can relate to their emotional experiences and imagine what they might be going through. If your friend has lost their job and they are angry and disappointed, you can understand how they might be feeling even though you have never lost your job. You can understand the concept of loss and emotions that come with it.
Similarly, empathy can be for positive emotions. Your friend has recently had a baby and is excited but also scared. You are not a parent yourself, but you know what it feels like to have something new in your life that can be both positive and scary at the same time.
Because you have the ability to experience empathy, you can be a source of support to those around you. You can understand what they are feeling and help them navigate life experiences.
When someone lacks empathy, they cannot relate to the experiences of others at an emotional level. They may appear distant, uninterested, and even uncaring in the experiences of others. The world revolves around them and how they are feeling at the given moment. They can’t understand that how you are feeling can be different from them. They also can’t place themselves in your shoes and understand why you might be sad you lost your job or scared with a new child in the family. They only think in the context of themselves.
It is important to note that someone who lacks empathy doesn’t lack emotion. Those who lack empathy can experience emotions in themselves, they just cannot take on and understand the emotional experiences of someone else.
When someone lacks empathy, they have a hard time building meaningful relationships because this creates divides within their relationships. To build a connection with someone requires the ability to experience and understand their emotions. If you are upset and the other person ignores you, laughs at you, or tells you to get over it, then this breaks connection building.
Narcissists often lack empathy, and this contributes to many of the problems they experience. The narcissist needs constant supply to help boost their fragile senses of self. However, when they are brutal and uncaring to those around them, they push people away rather than bring them in by building connections. This can be frustrating for the narcissist because they need people to think they are superior and all-knowing as a way to prevent narcissistic injury. However, when they are brutal and uncaring in their ways, no one wants to be around them.
This leads to narcissists having superficial relationships. They use people for their own gain, and when it is most convenient for them. The narcissist is usually effective in bringing people in, but does a poor job at keeping people around due to their lack of empathy. They see people slipping away and start to flail in their attempts to keep people in their control by using their toolbox of abusive strategies. This further pushes people away and the narcissist is left confused on what is happening and why they are not seen as positively as they view themselves. There is substantial disconnect in how narcissists view themselves and others view them.
The lack of empathy in narcissists prevents the development of meaningful relationships and pushes the narcissist further into their attempts to make those around them support their false beliefs about themselves.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.