Many of the blogs on this website are about narcissism, but more specifically narcissism in dating relationships. While I focus primarily on dating relationships, narcissists can influence and destroy any relationship between two or more people, to include a parent-child relationship. Today, I will discuss some of the traits of narcissism in parents. If you have been asking yourself whether you were raised by a narcissist, this blog is for you.
The traits of a person with narcissism are the same, regardless of what role they play in yours or someone else’s life. Someone who has narcissistic personality traits has a sense of entitlement, needs constant praise and admiration, lacks empathy, exaggerates achievements, believes they are superior, has superficial relationships, and cannot accept criticism.
As you can see, these traits can be damaging to relationships and often makes the relationship one sided, with the narcissist looking out for themselves. When you are raised by a narcissist, you are not given the opportunity to develop trust and connection with your parent or guardian because the narcissist lacks empathy, needs constant reassurance, and believes they are superior to others. When raised by a narcissist, the child becomes a pawn the narcissist uses in their quest to boost their self-esteem and to have their own needs met.
Children raised by a narcissist are seen as competition by the narcissist parent. The narcissist must act in a way to keep the attention off of the child and placed onto them. As the attention moves to someone other than the narcissist, they lose their sense of superiority and must face their flaws head on. Due to their inability to handle criticism or see themselves as anything other than superior, they will engage in any behavior to make themselves the focus in the relationship.
The narcissistic parent also views the independence of the child as a threat and will act in a way to have the child exist in the shadow of the narcissistic parent. This is true for young children, as well as adult children. An independent child makes decisions for themselves and behaves in a way where they consider their own needs and wants. This is threatening to a narcissist. When the child is independent, the narcissist has less control over them and this impacts their ability to control and manipulate.
So how do you know if you were raised by a narcissist? Having a parent that is unloving or incapable of connecting with their child does not mean that they have narcissistic traits. However, if you were raised by a parent that has one of the following traits, it is possible you were raised by a narcissist.
Parent lives through the child: The narcissist doesn’t have the ability to develop their own identity. They lack self-confidence and have an unstable sense of self. As a way to create an identity, they live through their child. With a narcissistic parent, the child is seen as an extension of the parent. The child is expected to have the hobbies of the parent and to present themselves in a way that makes the parent look good. The child is unable to have an identity of their own, and becomes a puppet to their narcissistic parent and their desires.
Manipulation: The use of manipulation and control defines a narcissist. However, when the manipulation is enacted on a child, it can be damaging to not only the parent-child relationship, but the growth of the child’s self-esteem and trust of others. When you are raised by a narcissist, love is conditional. Love is constantly sought by the child, but only given by the parent when the child behaves in a way the narcissistic parent approves of. Through shaming, blaming, guilt tripping, and negative comparisons, the narcissistic parent can manipulate their child to behave as they want them to. The child will learn to behave in a way that makes their parent the least angry so they can receive the love and affection they desire, even if it is conditional love.
Lack of Empathy: Narcissists lack empathy and this contributes to them being unable to love and connect with their child. The needs and wants of the narcissist are the priority, and the child is pushed to the side as someone undeserving of their own needs and wants being met.
Neglect: As you can imagine, when a parent is focused on their needs being the priority, this leads to them being unable to focus on the needs of the child. Neglect is often seen in narcissistic parenting because they leave the child to be cared for by the other parent, or themselves, while the narcissistic parent focuses on their career or personal aspirations. A child is not someone to love and care for but is seen as an obstacle to the narcissistic parent’s own needs being met.
To the outside, narcissistic parents may appear to be the ideal parent. They seem to be fun-loving, caring, and involved in their children’s lives. Friends may even comment on how they wish they had a parent like yours. However, behind closed doors the mask comes off and the narcissistic parent can be seen for what they truly are. The parent will try to keep an outside image as a way to boost their self-esteem, but when they are home their child often becomes the victim of their narcissistic tendencies.
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