If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have wanted to leave that person for months, years, or even decades. There were many obstacles to you leaving and each time you tried you changed your mind and stayed. However, one day you were strong enough to stick with the decision to leave and you think you will be excited for this change!
But you aren’t.
All you feel is regret and wondering why you left the narcissistic partner to begin with. This decision is even harder if the narcissist ex sends you pictures of their new partner. You have memories of the good times together and now all you feel is regret after leaving a narcissist.
Why is it hard to not remember the bad times, and only focus on the good times, after you leave someone who treated you so poorly? Let’s discuss some of the possible reasons for this:
You were the victim of manipulation: One thing the narcissist is good at is manipulation. Due to their low self-esteem, unstable sense of self, and need to believe they are superior to others, they have learned the only way to maintain their belief of superiority, in the presence of low self-esteem, is to manipulate others to get their needs met. As the ex-partner of a narcissist, you were no doubt a victim of this manipulation. The tactics used were never meant to be about you or the relationship, but what would get the narcissist’s needs met.
Love-bombing when things got tough: When you think back on the good times in your relationship, you remember the kind words said to you and the gifts received. Your ex-narcissist partner could be so loving and caring. They always knew the right thing to do or say. However, if you look more honestly at those moments, they likely occurred when the narcissist wanted something from you. They were meant to manipulate you and to lower your defenses. Your narcissist partner knew exactly how to make you feel better, but this was for their benefit and not yours. A common narcissist trait is lack of empathy. The narcissist is out for #1, which is them and not you. While the gifts and words were nice in the moment, try not to forget that it wasn’t about you most of the time and just another way you were a part of their game of manipulation and control.
You are a giver and they were a taker: As someone who was in a narcissistic relationship, you are likely to be a giver. You like to see others happy and you give to others at the expense of giving to yourself. The narcissist, on the other hand, is a taker. They seek out relationships with people who can boost their narcissist supply and will continue to take until their needs are met, without concern for how it affects the other person. As a giver, you tried over and over again to have things improve, but it seemed to always be temporary despite your best efforts. The problem wasn’t with you or your efforts, but with the narcissist. They will never be happy, and each thing they take is meant to fill their narcissist supply until it runs out again.
Hope: Hope is powerful. We do things in hopes it will be better, easier, or happier. When we have hope, we expect a certain outcome. Hope motivates us to stick it out through the tough situations because we want to see things change. When in a toxic relationship, hope helps us push through because it helps make the difficult situation more bearable. If we can think of the positives in the future, then we can convince ourselves to stay where we are right now. Being in a toxic relationship is never easy, but leaving one is even harder. In addition to the narcissist convincing you that you are the problem, you start to believe it and question your actions. You tell yourself if only you or they were different, things would be better. Hope can be addictive and like a drug. You get high on hopium and this drives you to keep trying and maintains the false hope that things will be different. Hope blinds you from the bad times and keeps you focused on the good times.
If you find that you are looking back at your toxic relationship and feeling regret for leaving, it might be helpful to write down a list of reasons you made the decision to leave. When you are feeling the most vulnerable, return to this list. During periods of vulnerability it is easy to think of the reasons why you made the wrong decision and should have stayed. Having easy access to a pre-made list of reasons you left will make it easier for you to not focus only on the good things in your relationship.
Remember that you made the decision that was best for you. People don’t leave happy relationships for no good reason. While there may have been many positives in your relationship, the negatives were the reason you finally made the decision to leave and focus on yourself. You might be a giver who has hope things would have gotten better, but you can only give so much of yourself before you make the decision to leave. You made the right decision. The narcissist has spent years convincing you that you can’t trust yourself, but now is the time to believe in yourself and your ability to do what is best.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.