In many of my blogs I discuss how narcissists engage in games of control and manipulation as a way to get their needs met. They lack the ability to boost their own self-esteem and require the manipulation of others as a way to feel better about themselves. In this blog I want to discuss one way they do this, which is through triangulation.
If you think of a triangle, you can visualize what triangulation is, at its most basic level. Triangulation is the use of (at least) two people by the narcissist through which passage of information is controlled in how it is presented to each person. When the narcissist doesn’t want to communicate with someone directly, they will communicate through the third person.
When the narcissist uses triangulation, they put themselves in the middle of the communication between two other people and the narcissist is now the go-between. The narcissist does not talk directly to Person A, but instead uses Person B as the messenger. And while the narcissist has set up this arrangement, Person A might want to talk to the narcissist directly, but this is not allowed, and the narcissist will only take communication from Person A that has gone through Person B. This is how they can keep control of information flow.
Triangulation helps the narcissist boost their feelings of superiority because they are in control of how information is presented. Triangulation is meant to belittle the victim and to have them come to the narcissist for any attention they want. Although this interaction is forced by the narcissist, it still serves to boost their ego and help them feel superior.
When the narcissist realizes they can’t fully prevent communication between Person A and Person B, they add in additional tactics. One way they do this is by pitting one person against the other through falsehoods or telling secrets. If the narcissist can tell one person something negative about the other, but ask them to not repeat it, then that person may continue to believe that lie and treat the other person poorly because of this falsehood. Now Person B has doubts about Person A and limits their voluntary contact with Person A.
One place triangulation is often seen is in the family relationships, primarily with the narcissist using their children as the go-between in this triangulation. The narcissist will refuse to speak to their partner and will send all information through their child, or children. The narcissist will only speak to their partner through the child but will also refuse information from their partner unless it is given through their child. This leaves the partner feeling helpless in their communication with the narcissist, but also pits the child against the non-narcissist parent.
During this triangulation, children are used as a source of narcissistic supply by a narcissistic parent. The child is used in the triangulation to boost the narcissist’s ego and waning feelings of superiority. In other words, the narcissistic parent is using their child as a pawn in their game of control and manipulation to feel better about themselves. When the narcissistic parent can control information flow, then the narrative becomes what they want it to be, including any lies about the non-narcissist parent they want to spread.
The process of triangulation can be effective for the narcissist because when they aren’t using their child to pass on information, they are ignoring the child. So, for the child, the opportunity to have any interaction with their narcissistic parent is a positive. The child might enjoy the game of passing on information because it allows them some contact with their narcissistic parent who otherwise ignores them or is mean to them. It is normal to feel wanted, and for a child who doesn’t know better, they value any attention from their narcissist parent. There might also be threats from the narcissistic parent if they believe their child is pulling away and not willing to continue this game of control. Either way, the narcissist is adept at changing their tactics to get what they want. They look out for themselves, and use others, even their children, in supplying their egos when needed.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and they are using your child as a part of this triangulation, it can be difficult to break this pattern, especially when your child is enjoying the contact. However, it is important to get help from friends and/or professionals to discuss how to break this pattern to ensure healthy communication styles are modeled for your child, and they don’t develop a lack of trust for you. The triangulation impacts the balance and control in the family relationship and the longer it goes on, the harder it can be to stop.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.