Most of the time, interacting with a narcissist feels like a roller coaster. There is good, bad, more bad, and sometimes a return to good. It seems like you never know what version of the narcissist you will get, and you feel constantly blind sided by their actions. However, if you look closer you will see that the narcissists are predictable. The narcissist likes to keep you guessing and that is why they change up their tactics, but they are predictable when they change their tactic. As long as you can better understand how the narcissist functions, then you can start to understand how they are predictable, and this helps you feel less like you are going crazy when you are around them.
Interactions with narcissists feel like a roller-coaster ride because they are constantly changing the rules of the game they have created. Today, you are the most amazing person they have met and tomorrow you are told you are worthless and stupid. You believe them when they think positively of you, and become crushed when yet again they belittle and demean you. You start to feel dizzy and uncertain with your own thoughts and actions because you never know what version of the narcissist you will get.
The narcissist needs you to feel uncertain because that is a requirement for their gaslighting. In order to effectively gaslight, they need you to question everything, including your own thoughts and feelings. The rules of the game change with the narcissist because they must change the rules to ensure the game always ends in their favor. The narcissist can’t risk losing because that would expose them to shame and narcissistic injury. The narcissist is always in self-preservation mode and is on the defensive to protect their fragile egos.
So, narcissists are, in fact, predictable. You know they will switch up the game when they aren’t getting their way. The narcissist lacks empathy, so it is easy for them to take advantage of and be cruel to others because they don’t have the ability to understand how their behaviors affect others.
The narcissist is the only one who knows the rules of the game they have created. It’s not that they won’t share it with others, but they don’t know what the rules are from one day to the next because it all depends on how things will affect them in the moment. This is largely dependent on their narcissistic supply and how full it is. If they are feeling confident and superior then they will play one game, if they have a waning supply that needs refill, then they will play another game. This part of the narcissist is not predictable.
So, how can we bring it back around to the narcissist being predictable? When the narcissist is acting differently, or out of control, then you know they are in defensive mode and believe they are at risk for narcissistic injury. They may worry they will be found out, and they must prevent this at all costs. They must always be in control and as soon as they feel like they are losing control, they will use their various narcissistic punishment tactics to get back into control.
When the narcissist changes how they interact with you, either through the positives of love bombing or the negative actions of punishment, this is your chance to simply acknowledge what is happening and don’t spend any time trying to figure out why it is happening. The narcissist has changed the rules of the game in their favor, but the rules can be changed again at any moment in time, as they see fit. The narcissist is reactive and constantly being controlled by their environment due to their lack of object constancy. There is no consistency in their behavior but this doesn’t mean it isn’t predictable.
The predictability of the narcissist’s behavior comes from the understanding that they will always change things in their favor for what will benefit them most. It isn’t your responsibility to figure out why or to make things better for them. During those times, sick back and wait out this new roller coaster the narcissist has put you on and don’t change who you are for them.