Do you know a narcissist? If you sit back and watch them long enough, you can see the crazy making games they play with those around them. You know they must have things their way and they will use those around them to get their own needs met. Despite knowing this is how the narcissist functions, and doing research on the narcissist and how they treat you, do you still feel like the “crazy” one? Logically you know that is not true, but why would you feel that way?
First, let’s discuss the role emotions and thoughts play in our lives. Emotions are at the primitive level and thoughts are more advanced. When we are placed into situations in which we perceive danger, we will oftentimes move into an emotional response and our thoughts are placed to the side until we feel like we are out of that situation. If you were being chased by a bear, fear is activated, as well as the fight or flight response. Why the bear is chasing you, where the bear lives, or what you had for dinner don’t matter in that moment. Most often, emotions will win out over logic. After the situation has resolved, you can logically think about what happened and what you think you could have done differently. However, in the moment you didn’t have access to these more advanced thoughts and were working at the emotional level. For this reason, it is important to not look backwards and think of what you “could” have done differently because those options weren’t available to you in the moment.
The fact that emotion will win out over logic is one reason why the narcissist makes you feel crazy. The narcissist knows how to place you into a position in which you feel out of control and are focused on just getting through that moment. It becomes about survival for you and getting out of that stressful situation. When someone enters into a heightened emotional state, it is hard for them to think logically and make decisions they could have made if not in that heightened emotional state.
This is worsened by the narcissist’s use of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which the narcissist tries to gain power over their partner by having them question their own sanity. The narcissist engages in the gaslighting slowly, over time, and this is why it is so successful as a manipulation technique. The narcissist will remember things differently than you did, or tell you something didn’t happen. A few small things, or moments here and there, may not be worth questioning the situation over, and the narcissist knows this. Over time, as they wear you down, they introduce bigger, more important topics to use as manipulation. You don’t notice this, however, because it progresses slowly.
Some ways in which the narcissist gaslights is by telling blatant lies and denying they said something. These acts happen even in the presence of proof. When you confront the narcissist on what you know, they lie and deny. No matter what proof you give them or how long you discuss the issue, they hold firm that you are the person in the wrong and they do not know what you are talking about. Over time, you start to believe that what you remember may not have been accurate and take on their words as reality.
The narcissist knows confusion weakens you and this is exactly what they want. You start to question everything, including things that have nothing to do with the narcissist. Because the narcissist is your partner, you turn to them for support and confirmation, and this is just another opportunity for them to continue to leave you confused by telling you information that is different from reality. Your source of support has become your worst enemy and the person that makes you feel the craziest.
Another reason the narcissist makes you feel crazy is because they tell you that you are crazy. Narcissists are emotional abusers, and they control their partners by belittling and this can include name calling. When you behave in a way the narcissist doesn’t like, you are called the crazy one. The narcissist can’t take responsibility for their own behavior, so they make you the problem. With the combination of the gaslighting, where you feel crazy for not knowing what is real and what is not, and the name-calling in which you are called crazy, you start to believe it. You are a successful, intelligent person but this does not make you immune to the crazy-making of the narcissist. They play on your emotions to wear you down and enter into a weakened emotional state where logical thinking is not within your grasp at the moment. The more they can beat you down, the greater control they can have over you.
The narcissist makes you feel crazy because that is what they do – use others to their own benefit. To recognize that you are not the crazy one, you need to find others to discuss your concerns with and use as a source of reality and not your narcissistic partner. There is no benefit to the narcissist for you to not feel crazy so they will make no effort to change their behaviors.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.