When I work with people in my role as a psychologist, one thing we often discuss is to not take the abuse from a narcissist personally. This statement can be met with differing thoughts, and facial expressions. I am often asked why it wouldn’t be taken personally because the narcissist is saying things about them, and the follow-up question is how do you not take it personally. Today, I will discuss why you shouldn’t be taking the abuse from a narcissist personally, and how to focus on it not being about you.
Let me start with saying it is completely understandable that you would take the words and actions of a narcissist personally. I do not want to invalidate your experiences and tell you that you are wrong for doing that. Narcissists know how to push buttons and they target people’s vulnerabilities. They very much know what to say to upset you and that is why you experience your emotions in response.
What I do want you to consider as I discuss this topic further is that while it FEELS very personal, it isn’t actually about you. You are a person with the ability to experience a range of emotions, have a stable sense of self, and care about others. That is why you feel negative emotions when the narcissist belittles you, name calls, or blame shifts. This caring person, however, is not who the narcissist is. They know what buttons to push as a way to get you away from them so they can protect against narcissistic injury, but the words they say aren’t really about you. The words they say are what they have learned is the fastest way to push you, and others, away.
The narcissist closely watches people around them so they can determine their next move. They know what upsets you and they keep this information close until they need to use it. Were you talking to your friends about how you gained weight? Not getting along with your family? Didn’t get the job you applied for? Those are the very things the narcissist will then bring up in the next attempt to deflect attention from them and onto you. The narcissist doesn’t care whether you like how you look or whether you missed out on a job you wanted. The narcissist lacks empathy and can’t connect at an emotional level with people around them. They can’t take the perspective of others to truly know how something affects them. The narcissist only knows what makes you upset so that they can watch you be miserable and defend yourself when they need to boost their own narcissistic supply.
The words of attack the narcissist uses are very much in relation to you because the narcissist has been watching you to target your insecurities. But while the narcissist is using words that hurt you, it is really about them.
When the narcissist engages in any of their narcissistic punishment tactics, they are doing this because they are at risk of experiencing narcissistic injury. They are always on the defensive to protect against narcissistic injury and will verbally attack those around them to gain an upper hand they feel they are losing. The blame shifting, rage, silent treatment, belittling, name calling, and the myriad of other ways the narcissist acts like a narcissist is done by the narcissist 100% because they are starting to feel out of control. Their attacks on you are really about them.
The narcissist would never have the ability to identify the reason they are experiencing narcissistic injury, or communicate this to you. So, the narcissist does what they do best which is make everything negative about someone other than them.
By verbally attacking you and having you feel like it is actually about you, this is just another blame shifting tactic the narcissist uses. Don’t fall for it. This is how they then use your response against you to gaslight you into thinking you are wrong or the problem. Do you see what the narcissist is doing? They watch you closely to notice your insecurities, use these against you to feel better about themselves, and then use your totally reasonable response against you as a way to gaslight and make you think, or at least consider, that you are the problem. The very fact you take things personally from the narcissist shows that what they are doing works. And the narcissist is an expert at fine tuning their craft and doing things over and over again that works for them.
So, how do you focus on it not being about you when it hits you at the core of who you are? Remind yourself you are interacting with a narcissist, and they will make everything about them. This is no exception. The narcissist is self-centered and only considers themselves. While it may seem they know what to say to hurt you, it really is about them and their consideration for only themselves. They know what to say to make you feel invalidated because they have been watching you. The words they say are a direct attack on you, but remind yourself that these are just words from the narcissist and not a true reflection of what they think of you. They can’t hold good and bad versions of you at the same time so you must become all bad when they feel targeted. The devaluation phase is happening, and the best approach is to sit back and wait it out if you must continue to have the narcissist in your life. Focus on yourself and do things you value while not trying to figure out whether the narcissist believes their harsh words.