I have discussed narcissists at length in dating relationships, but I want to remind everyone that narcissism can occur in any relationship – dating, occupational, friendship, or familial. Many of the topics I have already covered can be considered in the context of any relationship, but I often refer to dating relationships for ease of conversation. However, today I want to discuss the family relationship specifically. What does narcissism in families look like and how does it affect the children when one parent is a narcissist?
Being the child of a narcissist is hard. You are never good enough and nothing you ever do is right. Your narcissist parent may seem to love you one day, and then discard you the next. The love bombing and discard seen in dating relationships with a narcissist is the same pattern seen between a narcissist parent and their children. Regardless of the context, the narcissist is the same person in their actions and behaviors.
As the child of a narcissist, you try to fit into a chaotic and unpredictable family, and this can be stressful and overwhelming. You try to take on certain roles as a way to create some predictability in an unpredictable environment. But no matter how hard you try to create predictability in this toxic environment, things are always changing, and you feel more and more out of control. So, how can you continue to thrive in the relationship with narcissistic parents when nothing seems to be certain?
The first step is to be aware of the tactics most often used by the narcissist. In the game of control and manipulation by the narcissist, you must always stay a step ahead and not take their bait in an attempt to pull you into their toxic ways.
One of the most important terms to remember when you have siblings, and your parent(s) is a narcissist, is the word triangulation. Triangulation is a form of manipulation. If you think of a triangle, you can visualize what triangulation is, at its most basic level. Triangulation is the use of (at least) two people by the narcissist through which passage of information is controlled in how it is presented to each person. When the narcissist doesn’t want to communicate with someone directly, they will communicate through the third person. When the narcissist uses triangulation, they put themselves in the middle of the communication between two other people and the narcissist is now the go-between. The narcissist does not talk directly to Person A, but instead uses Person B as the messenger. And while the narcissist has set up this arrangement, Person A might want to talk to the narcissist directly, but this is not allowed, and the narcissist will only take communication from Person A that has gone through Person B. This is how they can keep control of information flow.
If there are siblings in a family, the narcissist will be able to masterfully control the dynamics of the family by using triangulation. This controls information but also pits one sibling against the other. This is exactly what the narcissist wants. This can also make it easier for them to gaslight everyone. When the narcissist gaslights you start to question what is real and what isn’t. If there is triangulation and someone working in concert with the narcissist, then it can further skew your sense of reality because the narcissist is manipulating your experiences through use of the sibling in the triangulation.
Another term is the smear campaign. The narcissist parent might start a smear campaign against their own child by using their other child(ren). A smear campaign is done in an effort to discredit someone and have others think negatively of them based on your own beliefs about that person. The purpose of the smear campaign is to undermine a person’s character so that others start to think negatively of them. When you can turn someone against your target, now you have more people on your side. The narcissist thrives in believing they are superior, and people want to be on their side. The smear campaign is another way in which the narcissist boosts their own ego, and they don’t care if they have to belittle and degrade their own child in the process.
While there are many other terms to consider when discussing the narcissist parent and being the children of a narcissist, these are the most important ones to consider for now. When you are aware of the triangulation and smear campaign then you can take control from the narcissist parent and put it back into your own hands. The narcissist doesn’t care who they hurt in the process of refilling their narcissist supply. As siblings with a narcissist parent, don’t be in competition with each other. This is exactly what the narcissist parents wants so they can continue to control and manipulate as they set the narrative in your life. Stand together with your other siblings and this will be the most effective way to show your narcissist parent they can’t control you.
