Are you in a relationship where you feel like you second guess your own thoughts and emotions? Do you question whether you really did something or wonder if you made it up because your partner tells you it didn’t happen? Or does your partner tell you it didn’t happen in the way you remember? Are you starting to doubt whether what you feel is real? If you have these thoughts about your own experiences, then you might be experiencing gaslighting. With gaslighting, you feel crazy and question what is real and what is not. Gaslighting leads to you invalidating your own emotional experiences because that is what the narcissist needs you to do. If you think “My partner makes me feel crazy” then this is the blog for you! I will discuss why that might happen and remind you that you are not the problem, no matter how much your narcissist partner wants you to believe you are!
Gaslighting is a common manipulation tactic used by the narcissist to make you doubt yourself. It is used as a form of control by the narcissist so they can always believe they have the upper hand in interactions. When you have been gaslit for long enough, you start to question whether anything is real.
People who are more susceptible to gaslighting often have low self-esteem. They don’t believe in themselves, so any doubt introduced just confirms what they already believe – that they can’t make independent decisions. At first, your partner may seem to be helping you make choices because you have difficulty settling on a decision. This may be a welcome behavior because it removes the responsibility of decision making from you, and you don’t have to make a decision you think your partner may be unhappy with.
However, over time, you may notice that your partner starts to make all decisions for you and makes statements that you are unable to make decisions for yourself. Your partner may also tell you that you misremembered something, creating further doubt in yourself about your ability to make independent decisions and remember things. Your low self-esteem grows, and you start to doubt yourself even more.
The gaslighting doesn’t only happen with decision making and memories. It can also happen with emotional experiences. The narcissist must control the narrative in the game they have created at all costs. Not only can their partner not have independent thinking, their partner also can’t have emotions that might impact the narcissist. The narcissist is sensitive to criticism and is always on the lookout for possible exposure for who they truly are as a person. Because of this, they must protect against any feelings of shame, which arises from their belief that they are flawed in some way.
If you were to point out to the narcissist how you feel in a situation, they take this as a personal attack. For example, you might tell your partner that you don’t feel respected in the relationship, or you feel neglected in your needs. The narcissist will very quickly take this as a personal attack and blame shift as a way to make it about you. They will tell you that you are wrong in your emotional experiences and will list various ways in which you are wrong. The narcissistic partner doesn’t acknowledge what your initial concern was and will quickly come up with ways that you are wrong.
You start to question your own emotions and whether you “should” feel validated and respected because your partner says that your feelings are false. Additionally, your partner may name call and belittle you, further making you regret your initial thought. Not only were your feelings not acknowledged and validated, but now you have new information presented to you about how you are wrong and the problem.
All of this can make you feel crazy! You question what you feel, what you think, whether you should have brought up the concern, whether you are the problem, and whether your partner is mad at you. All of these worry thoughts revolve around you and how you should have done or felt something differently. This is why your partner makes you feel crazy. The narcissist needs you to feel crazy so that you have doubt in yourself, and become easier to control and manipulate.