When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it can be hard to make the decision to leave. Although you know it is the right thing for you to do, there are so many reasons why you stay. One of those reasons is that your friends and family want you to stay with your partner and they don’t understand why you want to leave them. They see your narcissist partner as a loving, caring individual who always seems to have your best interest in mind. They cannot understand why you would choose to leave someone who treats you so well.
However, when your partner is with you, you get a different version. They are distant, belittling, and sometimes abusive. Your partner appears to be two different people. Although you know your partner is different in front of your friends and family than they are with you, it still is hurtful to think they would want you to stay with someone who is abusive and toxic. You talk to them about how they treat you, but they don’t seem to care or believe you. You feel alone in your relationship with the narcissist. You start to not talk with friends and family about how you feel, and this is more isolating.
You want to remember that your friends and family are getting a different version of the narcissist than you get. It is likely not that they don’t care about you or your well-being. Yes, they are being inappropriate by not considering what you say about your experiences but try to step back and see what they are seeing. Narcissists are master manipulators, and they are effective in getting people to view a version of them they want people to believe exists.
If you look back at the start of your relationship, the narcissist partner was also caring and loving towards you. They presented to you the same way your friends and family continue to see them. However, you get the other version of the narcissist because that is part of their control and manipulation game. When they can keep you confused and questioning yourself, they can remain in their game of manipulation with you as the pawn.
When you are treated poorly by the narcissist, it not only helps them boost their ego through devaluation of you as a person, but it also gives them an opportunity to appear as the competent person in the relationship. They use impression management to present themselves with high self-esteem and competence to your friends and family, and this results in you looking like the bad person when you express your concerns for the relationship. By treating you poorly and beating you down, while at the same time presenting themselves as caring and confident to your friends and family, they can ensure that your friends and family choose them over you.
I am not saying this is right and it is absolutely invalidating to your own experiences, but by understanding it is not about you, this can take some of the pressure from you thinking you are in the wrong for wanting to leave your toxic relationship. While your friends and family may not support you right now, don’t let that hold you back from leaving your narcissistic partner. They will come around eventually, and when they do you will be in a better place mentally because you are free of the person who brings you down.