Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which someone tries to convince you that reality is not how you perceive it. This is a method of control and manipulation used by an abuser to gain control over someone. Gaslighting develops slowly, over time, and can often be hard to spot. The abuser begins small in the statements they make, and you oftentimes don’t even notice what is happening. A few discrepancies here and there are written off by you as you possibly misunderstanding something or not getting all the information. However, once gaslighting has started by the abuser it is likely to continue, making it more difficult to spot by you as your reality is further altered by the abuser.
If you have been gaslit, the longer this happens the harder it will be for you to recognize. Today, I will go over some phrases to look for in your relationship to determine whether gaslighting might be happening. Gaslighting can occur in any type of relationship, including romantic, friendship, familial, and occupational. The more potential someone has for influence over you, the more likely gaslighting can be happening. The sooner you can recognize it, the sooner you can step away and start to regain your own thoughts and experiences back with no influence from someone else.
The following phrases are examples of things you might hear from a gaslighter, that suggests gaslighting is happening. This is a very small sample of what the gaslighter might say.
You are too sensitive! When an abuser insults you or puts you down, and you respond in a way to suggest what they said was not ok, they may tell you that you are too sensitive. By calling out their behavior you are taking the control from them and they must bring the control back to themselves. They do this by saying you are too sensitive as a way for you to question your own self and this allows them to feel in control again because the focus is off them.
It was just a joke! This one goes along with being told you are too sensitive. The abuser says something that is offensive or belittling and you get upset, as you should. However, the abuser doesn’t think you should get upset because then they can’t continue to belittle you. You are calling them out and catching onto their game and this is not ok in their eyes. Although the abuser might tell you it was a joke, a joke should not be an insult on one person and the joke must have the potential for being funny for all involved.
That never happened. This statement sums up gaslighting from the abuser in only 3 words. That. Never. Happened. This statement very clearly implies that whatever you think happened, didn’t. No explanation is needed from the abuser. They will just simply repeat this over and over until you back down and think something didn’t happen.
Stop acting crazy. What does “crazy” even mean? The gaslighter knows this term has no clear cut meaning but brings up feelings of insecurity in their victim. The abuser has also likely directly told their victim that they ARE crazy so when you behave in a way that has them tell you that you are acting crazy, it just makes you think that you are in fact crazy and act crazy. Gaslighting in relationships is even harder to spot when your abuser is telling you that you are crazy, stupid, or other things you believe about yourself.
There are many, many more statements a gaslighter will use in their gaslighting tactics and I will list several of them now. I can’t explain all of them in this short blog but if you would like further terms explained let me know.
It’s no big deal!
You are too emotional!
Stop being so dramatic!
You are making that up!
Stop overthinking everything!
That is not what I meant!
You always misinterpret what I say!
The gaslighter knows your weaknesses and will target areas in which you already feel insecure. They will magnify your insecurities because they know you will believe comments about these areas. The gaslighter wants to ensure that you doubt reality in all areas of your life so that when you do have doubts based on their lies, they can tie it back to something unrelated to them to further confuse you.
When your partner is the gaslighter it is more difficult to spot what was happening because they become your primary source of reality. If you suspect gaslighting is occurring in your relationship, find someone you trust to be able to talk it over. Someone who is not within the circle of gaslighting will be better able to objectively look at what is happening and help you see how your reality has been altered by the narcissist for their advantage.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.