In my blogs I have focused primarily on narcissism and how it can affect relationships. Today, I want to go over a topic related to narcissism and that is co-dependency. A co-dependent person is often found in a relationship with a narcissist because this is the type of person a narcissist seeks out. The relationship doesn’t have to be dating, and could be friendship or even a co-worker who you interact with. What is co-dependency and how do I know if I am co-dependent?
Broadly, co-dependency is when one person takes on the responsibility of meeting someone else’s needs in a relationship, at the detriment of their own needs. As you can imagine, this type of relationship is imbalanced with one person, the co-dependent, never really having their needs met because the focus is on the other person. Today, I will discuss this dynamic between a narcissist and a co-dependent. However, the type of relationship doesn’t matter and this can apply to any relationship, including dating, parent-child, neighbors, co-workers, or siblings.
The co-dependent is acutely aware of what the narcissist wants and needs, but struggles in recognizing and acknowledging their own needs. This leads to the narcissist always getting what they want, while the co-dependent yearns for more.
Being a co-dependent in the relationship with the narcissist can be particularly damaging because not only does the narcissist take advantage of the co-dependency, but it also serves to inflate their narcissistic ego by serving as a form of narcissistic supply. Everything that is bad about a narcissist is bolstered and worsened through the interactions with the co-dependent. The problem becomes nothing is ever good enough for the narcissist. The co-dependent tries harder and harder to meet the needs of the narcissist, but this is not possible because the needs of the narcissist change in the moment. The narcissist is never happy because of their unstable senses of self.
The co-dependent does things for the narcissist to try to have positive outcomes, but the narcissist is not looking to build connection and the acts from the co-dependent only serve to confirm to the narcissist they are superior and deserving of special treatment.
So, how do you know if you are co-dependent, or someone who is just aware of what others want and try to give it to them?
The co-dependent does things for the narcissist, even if it makes them feel worse about themselves. The co-dependent will also apologize for things they didn’t do, as a way to ease the tension and try to get things back to the status quo. The co-dependent doesn’t live an independent life and feels the need to check in with the narcissist on whether they can do something. They may also find they are walking on eggshells to avoid conflict. The co-dependent wants to keep things peaceful and calm at all costs. They will give all of themselves away in order to achieve this goal. The co-dependent plans their life around pleasing the narcissist, at the expense of their own happiness and well-being.
I did want to point out there is a difference between depending on someone else and co-dependency. When you depend on someone, this is healthy. In order to form connections and meaningful relationships, you must depend on the other person. This dependency requires trust, and this trust allows a relationship to grow. Dependency in a relationship is mutual and everyone’s needs are being met.
However, this is different than co-dependency. With co-dependency, only one person’s needs are met and there is no reciprocity in positive behaviors. The only person getting their needs met is the narcissist, who will readily take from the co-dependent and never give.
If your relationship feels draining and you are always working to make the other person feel happy and secure, then you are likely acting in a co-dependent way. If you tell yourself you always give and never get anything in return then you are likely a co-dependent. Relationships should be relaxing and without the concern the other person will leave if you decide to focus on yourself for a while. If you don’t meet the other person’s every need, there shouldn’t be this threat that you are doing something wrong and need to change. Narcissists seek out co-dependents as an easy source of narcissistic supply. When you are in a relationship it can be difficult to actually see what is happening, but listen to yourself and if you feel uneasy or tired, assess whether you could be doing more than the other person and if the relationship is healthy for your mental well-being.
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