In my last blog I discussed the difference between gaslighting and lying. Today, I want to focus on gaslighting versus guilt tripping. With gaslighting, the intent is to control and manipulate so that you question your own thoughts and emotions. This sounds like it is very similar to guilt tripping, which might seem to be the same goal of having you question your role in something. Are gaslighting and guilt tripping the same things, or are there differences?
Let’s briefly start with what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the goal of the person engaging in the gaslighting (abuser) is to have the recipient or recipients (victims) doubt their truths. The targeted individual(s) may question their reality and doubt their own memory and perception due to the manipulation exerted by the gaslighter. Gaslighting is used to gain control over a person or people. The abuse is insidious and presents itself slowly over time, making it more difficult to notice initially. This allows the abuse to slowly impact the victim, wearing away on their sense of reality and what they think is/isn’t true. The person’s reality becomes questioned by themselves, with the abuser denying facts and invalidating their feelings. The goal of gaslighting is to deny someone’s reality as a way to make them question themselves.
Now for guilt tripping. Guilt tripping is when you make someone feel bad or guilty for their behavior. You are not seeking to have them question their reality, you are just trying to place responsibility on them so that they feel bad for their behavior. You might want them to feel as bad as you do in response to something they did. You may also guilt trip someone to get something you want, or for them to do something you want to do.
Guilt tripping is manipulative, just like gaslighting, so that is where the confusion in the terms comes in. With both guilt tripping and gaslighting, the recipient is being manipulated in favor of what the other person wants. So, to fully understand the difference between guilt tripping and gaslighting, you need to consider the intent of the person who is doing the behavior. Is the person who is guilt tripping/gaslighting creating a situation in which they have made up a reality as a way to get what they want?
Let’s look at an example to see if that can make things a little clearer. I will use a safe example of a situation you might encounter in your everyday life to see that gaslighting and guilt tripping can happen anywhere. Let’s say your partner/parent/friend/coworker wants to go to an expensive steak restaurant that you can’t afford. You tell them no and ask to find another restaurant to go to. They respond with “but we never go to a place I like. We always go to Mexican and other restaurants you choose. If you were a good friend you would know how much I want to try this new restaurant out and you would go with me.” This is guilt tripping because the person is trying to make you feel bad for not choosing the restaurant they want, and accuse you of not being a good friend for not agreeing to their choice.
Now let’s say the person responds with “you promised me that we could go to the steak restaurant if I cleaned the house last week.” This conversation never happened between you and this person, but they have made this statement as a way to create a false memory. They want you to question your reality and whether you did say you would go to that restaurant if they did a certain behavior. This is manipulative, but also deceptive. When someone gaslights, they are being deceptive as a way for you to question your own thoughts and emotions. They attempt to create a new reality based on their needs being met.
Both gaslighting and guilt tripping have emotional manipulation, but with gaslighting the gaslighter is trying to alter your reality with the specific purpose of control and manipulation to create a power differential they can use to their advantage. With guilt tripping, the person is focused on a specific situation or task and not on altering your reality.
Gaslighting is abusive while guilt tripping is not. However, both are emotionally draining and invalidating and shouldn’t be a part of any healthy relationship. If you feel as if your needs aren’t being met, or you aren’t being heard in your requests, question what value this person adds to your life and whether remaining with them is good for your emotional health.