The narcissist is unpredictable, but also predictable. You know that they will move into narcissistic rage at some point, you can just never predict when that might be. One day something seems to not bother them, and the next day it seems as if it were the worst thing that could happen to them. The narcissist has many narcissistic punishment tactics they use against their victims, but one of the most damaging is the narcissist anger. When the narcissist enters into their anger, or rage, they cannot be reasoned with and they will stop their rage when they see fit, which makes you feel helpless. As the narcissist rages, you feel trapped in their anger and have few options available to you as a way to respond to what is happening. What can you do when feeling trapped in narcissist anger?
The narcissist rage is a form of narcissistic punishment used by the narcissist. This happens when they feel out of control of a situation. The narcissist has carefully designed a fantasy world which optimizes the control they have over others, and themselves. They must maintain a consistent feeling of control so as to prevent shame and narcissistic injury. The narcissist has an unstable sense of self, and they are always at risk of being found out for the flawed person they truly are. If they suspect that someone might be onto their true selves, they will rage to push them away. The narcissist is incapable of confronting their true selves.
When the narcissist rages, they are at their most brutal. They are in attack mode, and this is when they say and do things that are the most damaging to the relationship. They tune you out and focus only on their rage. When you are the recipient of the narcissist rage, you enter into your own defensive mode as a way to protect yourself. Your fight/flight/freeze system is activated. If you respond with the freeze response, this makes you feel more trapped in the narcissist's anger because you don’t know what to do and feel increasingly helpless.
The longer you remain a part of the narcissist’s anger and rage, the more you get pulled into their rage. This only increases your feelings of helplessness because your freeze response is strengthened and making decisions becomes more and more difficult. You can’t think clearly in that moment. Even the decision to walk away can feel nearly impossible because your mind is full of so many thoughts. You don’t know what the right decision is, and you definitely don’t want to choose the option that will further anger the narcissist.
If you find yourself trapped in the narcissist’s rage, you want to remember that there is no problem solving that can occur in that moment. You might want to talk through what is happening and be reasonable in your assessment of the situation. However, the narcissist will not be receptive to any logic. They are raging because their unstable sense of self has been activated and they are feeling out of control. They must rage to get back into control. Trying to be logical with them will not only be ineffective, but it will also increase their rage. The best thing you can do during the rage is to leave the situation. Yes, this will be hard because you are in freeze mode of the fight/flight/freeze response, but you must work on stepping out of that situation.
This is made easier by reminding yourself that you don’t need to explain anything to the narcissist. Even if you try to step away and they tell you to come back, do your best to get out of the situation. Remind yourself that the narcissist has raged in the past and once the rage was over, things were back to their “normal”. The narcissist wants to make everything feel final during their rage, but this is often just a manipulation tactic to keep you a part of their rage. You want to work on stepping away from the narcissist. This will be difficult but with practice you will be better able to get away from their rage and not activate your own freeze response.
It should be noted that during the narcissist’s rage, they can become violent so if you feel unsafe, try to contact a friend, family member, or the police to help get you out of the situation. Being a part of narcissistic abuse can feel isolating, making you feel alone. The narcissist gaslighting also makes you feel as if no one would understand you and you feel increasingly like the problem to people. Don’t be fooled by the narcissist and make use of your support system if you have one. The narcissist is only looking out for themselves, and they will never make you a priority so that decision must fall on you. The goal of the narcissist during the rage is to push you away and keep you from being able to have a voice in the situation. The sooner you can separate yourself from the rage incident, the better you will feel mentally.
