Interacting with a narcissist can be frustrating. If you aren’t putting up with their gaslighting or rage, then you are being ignored with the silent treatment. The narcissist only does what benefits them. Sometimes it may look like they care about you because they are focused on making you happy or helping you do something you enjoy. However, don’t be fooled; the narcissist is still focused on themselves and what they need to feel better or get ahead. You see the narcissist at their worst and when they are the cruelest. You know how brutal they can be with their words, even when they say nothing. However, others don’t see the same version of the narcissist you see. They get the happy, supportive, and loving narcissist and can’t believe this is not the version of the narcissist you always get. You try to explain to people how mean and unsupportive the narcissist is to you, but everyone believes the narcissist to be this kind, caring person. Are you delusional in your thoughts about the narcissist and they really are loving and caring? How could everyone else be wrong and you wonder if you are the problem and not the narcissist.
The differing presentations of the narcissist between you and everyone else can be frustrating because it makes it difficult for you to truly explain how you feel and what you are going through. No matter what you say about the narcissist, there is always someone there to back them up and remind you of the many great things they did for you and others. How can your view be so different from everyone else?
The narcissist presented to the public is different than the narcissist you see in private. The narcissist wears a mask when in public as a way to recruit flying monkeys and other enablers that can help them maintain their sense of superiority and grandiosity.
The public narcissist acts in a supportive and positive way to boost their self-esteem and inflate their ever-deflating narcissistic supply. They need those around them to think positively of them and to view them as successful so they can have a steady stream of positive statements that come their way. The people in their public life are there to boost the narcissist’s ego through positive actions and behaviors that are in line with how the narcissist thinks of themselves. The narcissist is a lead actor in a play they have written themselves and everyone else is just a supporting cast. They are there to act out the play the narcissist has written. The narcissist needs their public life to run as they plan to protect against narcissistic injury.
The private narcissist you see is a different lead role in the play written by the narcissist. Behind closed doors, either as a parent, partner, or even co-worker, the narcissist changes in a way to benefit them. While they treat people on the outside in a positive, supportive way so they can influence the positive statements from them; behind closed doors you get the narcissist that puts others down to feel better about themselves.
They must have an outlet for their insecurities and that outlet is often those closest to them. As the narcissist fears they will be exposed for who they really are, they must put others down to regain a sense of control and sense of superiority. When you feel bad about yourself, the narcissist can re-inflate their narcissistic supply and continue to live the lie they have created.
The put downs and demanding behavior is not shown to everyone. If it was then they wouldn’t have people around them to continue the narrative that they are superior and all-knowing. The target of the narcissist’s belittling and demeaning behavior sees the true narcissist who is insecure and unstable. The narcissist can’t wear a mask all of the time, but they must always act in a way to protect their fragile egos.
The narcissist is constantly assessing how they can use others. The narcissist is looking out for number 1, which is themselves. They know who can boost their ego with the positive words about their great accomplishments, and who can boost their egos by being the recipient of their cruel words and actions. The narcissist is smart enough to know they must be friendly and engaging in public, while allowing themselves to be their true selves in private. Everyone believes the narcissist because that is how they have designed their narrative and not because you are wrong in your assessment of what is going on. Don’t let the narcissist gaslight you regarding their actions. You are correct in your assessment because you see both sides of the narcissist while everyone else gets only one side.
