When I discuss the narcissist and their behaviors, I discuss the concept of knowing and whether the narcissist knows how they act and how their actions affect others. When you consider my discussion on this topic, and compare it to what others might say, you may notice there are some varying opinions on the concept of knowing. It can definitely be confusing, especially if you are not a narcissist. Narcissists behave and think much differently than non-narcissists. For this reason, it is often hard to put yourself in the shoes of the narcissist and try to think like they do. But understanding what they know and don’t know is important in understanding how to interact with a narcissist. When the narcissist enacts their narcissistic abuse tactics it feels very personal. They say the very things that push your buttons, target your insecurities, and direct their anger directly at you. It feels personal because the narcissist makes it very personal by targeting you. So, when the narcissist behaves this way, do they actually know what they are doing? Do they know they are being cruel, abusive, and understand how lasting their words can be? The answer, in my clinical opinion, is no. The narcissist doesn’t know how much they affect you when you consider the perspective of a non-narcissist.
Let’s start with what it means to “know”. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, to “know” means “to have understanding of” or to “recognize the nature of”. So why does the definition of “know” even matter? Being able to understand the definition of know helps to understand what information is available to the narcissist when they engage in their controlling and manipulative behaviors.
So, within “know” there is surface level knowledge and then a deeper understanding. For example, I have never lost a parent to cancer, but I can know how someone might feel if they lose a parent to cancer. I understand the concept of loss and can relate from that perspective. This can be a surface level understanding where I have heard people discuss this happening and saw how it affected them but because of my lack of experience with that situation I may not have an understanding on a deeper level.
The deeper understanding comes from having experienced the strong emotion yourself, previously. You can relate to the emotion on a personal level. It doesn’t have to be a one-for-one trade. In other words, I don’t have to have lost a parent to cancer to understand your grief, but I can relate if I have lost a parent, or even knew someone who had a chronic illness and didn’t pass away.
What you notice about each of these is that there is the expectation empathy is present. Empathy is the ability to share and understand the feelings of someone else. You cannot relate to someone else’s experiences, on a surface or deeper level, unless you can take the perspective of someone else. Narcissists lack empathy. They cannot take the perspective of someone else. They are inward focused and only think about things from their perspective. They are hungry, so you must be too. They are not ready to leave the party so there is no way you can be ready. They are self-centered and can only consider things from how they think and feel.
So, when you consider empathy is required to truly know something, and narcissists lack empathy, then that can help you understand they don’t know what they are doing when they hurt you emotionally. But then why do they make things so personal if they don’t know what they are doing? If they don’t know how the words they use are so damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, why would they choose those words? The answer is simple: the narcissist does KNOW how you respond.
It is best to think of a narcissist and their rage like a dog who is protecting their property. The dog knows that if they bark and run at you, you will leave. No matter how sweet and cute they were yesterday when you saw them, you are responding to their rage at this moment in time. The dog has modified your behavior through its aggressive actions. When you leave the area of the dog, you are sad, because you just wanted to pet it like you did yesterday. However, the dog has no awareness of your sadness. They don’t consider your feelings because that is out of their understanding. If you come by their yard tomorrow and they don’t want you nearby, they will again be aggressive, without consideration of what you want or need. This is how the narcissist functions. They know what actions keep people at a distance, while not knowing how this affects you emotionally.
When I have provided that example before, I received comments saying that their narcissist knows more than a dog does. Yes, your narcissist is likely more intelligent than a dog; however, not when it comes to protecting their property. For the narcissist, the property they are protecting is their deep-rooted shame that they don’t want anyone to trigger because this is an emotion they have no resources to deal with when activated. If they are in defensive mode and everyone and everything is a threat to them, they will attack verbally. When the narcissist attacks verbally, it is just a spew of thoughts they throw at you in hopes one of them sticks. It IS personal because the narcissist pays attention to your insecurities and what you don’t like about yourself, and also takes notes for things they have said in the past that affected you. The narcissist makes it personal because they do know how to push you away. However, they don’t know how they are hurting you when you consider the concept of empathy.
If the narcissist is attacking you, and you react to their words, you are providing them with feedback for things that hurt you and they will use this information in the future. They do, in fact, know what makes you respond a certain way because they are always watching you. So, yes, the narcissist isn’t clueless and void of intelligence. They do know that if they act a certain way it will push people away. But it isn’t personal, although it may feel that way. The narcissist knows how to keep you at a distance but they don’t know the sting of the words they use.