When you have a narcissist in your life, it can feel like a roller coaster. There are highs, lows, and everything in between. Some days feel predictable but most of the time you have no idea what is going on in the mind of the narcissist. You get on this ride and go along with them, ebbing and flowing between trust, betrayal, and defeat. One day you finally decide to get off the unpredictable ride of the narcissist and step back and question if you can trust the narcissist again. Will this time really be different from all of the other times the narcissist let you down?
Relationships with narcissists are abusive. There is no way around this statement. The narcissist uses you and abuses you to their own advantage. If, and when, they do show any ability to be kind and understanding, this is all for them and not for you. The narcissist is self-focused and views the world only from their own viewpoint. They cannot take the perspective of someone else.
The narcissist also lacks object constancy which means that they can only consider how things are in this moment. If you have done something which has led to narcissistic injury, and they enter narcissistic rage, they will only see you negatively. They are unable to consider you as someone they liked, or even loved, 5 minutes prior. Their moods are rapidly changing because of this lack of object constancy.
When you consider whether you can ever trust a narcissist again, you must first ask yourself could you ever really trust a narcissist to begin with. Did you trust a narcissist, or just give them chances that were fueled by hope they would be the person you wanted them to be. Did you trust the narcissist, or were you putting trust in yourself that you were making the right decision?
If you never really trusted the narcissist before, why would now be any different? How many times have you allowed yourself to be vulnerable in hopes that things with the narcissist would be different?
Another thing to consider is when you ask yourself if you can ever trust the narcissist again, are you asking a question about yourself, or the narcissist? Are you asking if the narcissist can behave in a way in which you find acceptable and leading to trust in the relationship? Or are you trying to convince yourself to give the narcissist another chance and try to trust them again?
These are very different ways of looking at the problem and my guess is many of you are trying to convince yourself the narcissist is worth trusting again and worth giving another chance to. This is the problem with narcissistic abuse. The narcissist is forever given the opportunity to escape from responsibility because you have been conditioned to make it about you when it was always about them. If you are asking if you can find it in you to trust the narcissist again, then you are implying you were somehow the problem. You are telling yourself you must forgive and forget and give them one more chance. If you try harder, stay quieter, and act different then maybe this time it will work. If you are asking if you can trust the narcissist again, while also telling yourself how YOU will be different this time, then you have determined you were the problem. If trusting the narcissist again means you do something different while the narcissist stays the same, then of course it won’t work this time anymore than when it didn’t work in the past. Change requires two people. For you to forever be the person that tries harder to make things work, will only lead to continued disappointment and heartache for you.
The narcissist has shown you time and again their abusive ways will never change if they don’t see a reason to. Each time you come back and give them another chance, you are telling the narcissist they are just fine how they are, and they will more than readily take that to mean they don’t have to put any effort into possible changes in themselves.