Spend only a few hours with a narcissist and you quickly realize they care about themselves over anyone else. Their needs and wants are the priority and they ensure they get what they want at all times. Even if it looks like they are trying to be nice to someone else, the kindness is only if they think that action might serve them in some way. The narcissist is self-centered, but also unable to take the perspective of someone else. If they are happy, they assume everyone is happy. If they are upset and angry, all they can focus on is that emotion in themselves. You know how a narcissist acts around you, but you wonder if the narcissist would be different around a child. Can a narcissist love their child?
The narcissist is self-centered and lacks empathy, which makes them incapable of loving their child. For a narcissist, children are seen as a means to an end and another person for them to use in their game of control and manipulation. If the narcissist needs something from the child, they will treat them well. If the narcissist feels like their child is an obstacle to them getting their needs met, they will discard their child.
Love for a narcissist is conditional. It doesn’t matter if the love is towards a parent, partner, or child, it will always be conditional. Because the narcissist can’t experience empathy, they will never be able to love someone other than themselves. Empathy is the ability to relate to someone else emotionally, and to understand what they might be feeling. The narcissist cannot take the perspective of someone else emotionally and this means they don’t have the ability to understand love.
In addition to lacking empathy, the narcissist also lacks object constancy. Object constancy is the ability to have positive feelings and thoughts about someone even when they have hurt you or angered you. It is the ability to understand that the person you are upset with continues to exist as the person you once loved and cared about and that person has not “disappeared” because you are upset with them. Check out my blog “What is object constancy with narcissists?” for more information on object constancy.
Due to their lack of object constancy, people are seen in two extremes at all times: either bad/worthless or special/perfect. What side of the extreme the person sits on has nothing to do with that person and is determined solely on what the narcissist thinks at that moment in time. To the outsider, there is no way to predict whether someone will be seen as good or bad today.
This uncertainty that has no rhyme or reason creates chaos in the parent-child relationship. The child feels loved one day and then discarded the next by their narcissistic parent. They try harder to regain the love of their narcissistic parent, but these are wasted attempts because it is not about what the child did or didn’t do to lose the love of the narcissistic parent; it is about the narcissist’s needs being met.
As the child becomes older and more independent, they are seen as a threat to the narcissist. The child has learned to express their own needs and wants, and this is counter to what the narcissist wants in a person. The narcissist wants to always be in control, and opinions expressed are a threat to their ability to control. The child has turned into competition and someone for the narcissist to be cautious around.
While the love of a parent seems to be an automatic response, this is not the case with a narcissist. The narcissist can not have loving feelings towards their child because they are incapable of feeling love towards anyone other than themselves. Children are another person brought into their life that are there to either serve the needs of the narcissist, or to stand in the way and be discarded when they are not behaving in a way a narcissist would like. The narcissist looks out for themselves at all times, and this doesn’t change with the birth of their child.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.