Gaslighting is a term that is often discussed when referring to narcissists, or other types of abusive relationships. Due to the large number of videos and articles written about the topic of gaslighting, the term is often overused. As a result, I have heard some confusion on whether gaslighting is the same as lying and if not, what is the difference. Today, I will discuss the difference between lying and gaslighting so you can determine if they are lying or gaslighting when interacting with someone.
To start with, let’s define what gaslighting and lying are briefly, and then I will discuss them in a little more detail. At the very basic level, the intent with gaslighting is to twist reality in a way that makes the person being gaslighted feel like they are crazy, and to place the responsibility on them. With lying, the intent of the liar is to intentionally hide the truth as a way to avoid responsibility, but is not intended to manipulate the person being lied to. This is a primary difference between gaslighting and lying. The intent of the person’s falsehood determines whether it is gaslighting or lying.
While the person who lies is avoiding taking responsibility, they aren’t lying to place responsibility on someone else as a way to manipulate. The person who is lying is trying to hide the truth but they don’t do this to manipulate or gain control over someone else. They lie because they don’t want to be confronted with their wrongdoing and want out of the situation as quickly as possible.
While gaslighting is based on lies, not every lie is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. The intent is to belittle the other person and invalidate their experiences, all for the gaslighter’s gain. When the gaslighter lies, it is to create doubt in the person being gaslighted so that they question their own thoughts and motives, which makes them easier to manipulate. When the gaslighter lies, they want you to be unsure of what the truth is so that they can manipulate your reality.
When the person being gaslighted starts to question their own thoughts, feelings, and reality, then they must rely on the very person who is doing the gaslighting to help them figure out what is true and what isn’t. This is the power and control that the gaslighter then has over the person being gaslighted.
Gaslighting is subtle and includes small things at first, and then bigger things later on as the person being gaslighted trusts less and less of themselves. The gaslighter has to start small so the person being gaslighted is less likely to catch onto the game of control and manipulation they are playing.
Lying is much more innocent and is less about the person being lied to and more about the liar. People lie for various reasons, to include to protect someone else’s feelings, to protect their own feelings, to avoid conflict, to present themselves in a positive light, or just to be liked.
Regardless of the reason for a lie, the lie is not told as a way to manipulate and control another person. Yes, the liar may try to manipulate the situation in their favor as a way to avoid conflict or being faced with their wrongdoing, but this is a protection of themselves and not meant to control someone else. They are manipulating the situation and not another person.
The distinction between gaslighting and lying can be very slight at times and this makes it difficult to fully understand what is happening, especially in the moment. You know that something is not right, and the other person isn’t being truthful, but you still question your own memories. I have other blogs on what signs to look for to know if you are experiencing gaslighting, so check those out. However, one question you can start to ask yourself now to figure out if you are being lied to or gaslighted, is asking yourself how you feel around this person and their falsehoods. Since this person has been in your life, do you find yourself questioning your own memories more, and not sure of your own emotions or thoughts? If so, you are likely being gaslighted. When you are lied to, it is annoying and frustrating, but you don’t question who you are as a person and what your own thoughts and emotions are.
