For today’s blog I want to go over the difference between guilt and shame. These two emotions are powerful players in our lives and how we interact with our environment. However, they are often interchanged and treated as the same emotion. Understanding the difference between guilt and shame can allow you to better understand yours or others’ negative self-judgements. It is also important to note there is a degree of guilt that is healthy and not all guilt is to be avoided.
Let’s start with defining guilt and shame. Guilt is a feeling of deserving blame for one’s actions. These actions are often in violation of the person’s defined moral or penal law. When we experience guilt, it is due to us acting against our values. Shame, however, is a deeply held belief about our worth as a person. Guilt is in direct response to an action we did while shame is a general feeling of not being good enough. When you feel shame, you believe you are flawed as a person whereas with guilt you can focus your attention on the specific incident or event that led to the guilt feelings and it is not reflective of you as a person.
Some degree of guilt is necessary. When we feel guilt, we make choices in consideration of our own morals and consider how our actions might impact someone else. A society full of people who didn’t experience guilt would be chaotic and unkind; each person would do what serves them best while ignoring others’ needs and wants. When someone experiences guilt after a wrong that was committed, they seek forgiveness as a way to correct the wrong. A person who experiences helpful guilt can acknowledge a wrong and work to repair the damage. With helpful guilt, resolution is reached and the wrong becomes something to move past and learn from.
Unhelpful guilt also occurs after a wrong is committed, but guilt is experienced in response to a wrong that occurred due to unrealistically high standards. An unrealistically high standard would be a standard that is rigid and unattainable, however the person still believes they should always meet that standard. Some examples of unrealistically high standards would be if someone thinks they should remember everyone’s name they meet, they should never make a mistake, of they should never get upset. These absolute statements are unattainable and if you hold yourself to them and fail, you might experience unhelpful guilt. When someone experiences unhelpful guilt, it is negative because the person becomes trapped in this feeling of guilt and it impedes their ability to make changes. Resolution only comes when the person can change their high standards and allow themselves to recognize the wrong as a mistake and not a reflection of their abilities.
Helpful and unhelpful guilt are similar in that they produce a feeling of psychological discomfort. Shame is different from guilt because it develops out of a belief that you, as a person, are fundamentally flawed. The wrong was not due to a mistake you made based on your defined standards of moral behavior, but the wrong was a result of your inabilities as a person. When someone experiences shame, they believe they are flawed and/or worthless. Due to this strongly held belief about their worth, wrongs committed are seen as confirmation that they are a bad person who is flawed.
When someone experiences shame, they will avoid any possible situations in which their perceived flaws will be exposed. To be vulnerable means to open yourself up to possible criticism and judgment. Because shame is so deeply engrained, people who experience shame also struggle with depression and anxiety. Experiences in life are not to be enjoyed, but are seen as ways to confirm ways in which they are flawed.
Guilt and shame are emotions that are experienced by everyone. However, if you find you experience unhelpful guilt or shame that impact your functioning or overall mental and emotional health, it can be helpful to focus on self-compassion and to nurture connections with those around you. You can also seek out guidance from a mental health professional to help you process the deeply ingrained negative beliefs about yourself or your self worth.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.