If you have been in an abusive relationship, you may have been accused by the abuser of being abusive yourself. You question whether your actions you did in response to their abuse does mean you are abusive and you question your own actions and intentions. You wonder “am I the abuser too”?
When you are in an abusive relationship, you oftentimes feel alone and that no one else could understand what you are going through. This is further complicated by the fact abusive relationships are isolating and your primary source of contact is the abuser. The abuser accuses you of the problems that happen and blame you for their abusive actions.
The abuser might say “I hit you because you wouldn’t stop talking” or “You called me names too”. They blame-shift and accuse you of being the reason they behaved abusively. Because you did hit them back after they pushed you, or you did call them names in response to what they said to you, you think it is possible that you are the abuser they say you are.
What you might be thinking is that mutual abuse is present. You wonder if you both are abusive toward each other. To assume there is mutual abuse means you believe that you are abusive and not just responding in self-defense to your partner’s abuse.
When the victim believes that mutual abuse is happening, it allows the abuser to effectively blame shift and the victim is the reason for the abuse and not the abuser. This also allows the abuser to feel justified in their behaviors.
Mutual abuse is very rarely, if ever, present. Abuse in relationships hinges on power and control and this is often with only one person. Two people cannot have the same power and control. In abusive relationships, there is a power differential. When you react back to the abuser’s abuse, it is because you have reached your limit and are setting boundaries in the only way possible in that moment. Reacting back to the abuser’s abuse is not done by you to control the other person and this is what makes it different from abuse. You are reacting to protect yourself and not abusing to control and exert power.
If you question whether you are the victim or the abuser, ask yourself whether you or your abuser are willing to change. An abuser will blame shift and make the problems about everyone else but themselves. They don’t take responsibility or even look inward to assess what actions they actually committed. They find where to point the finger that is on everyone else but them.
You, however, want to change your behaviors and take responsibility for how you acted. You admit to unhealthy behaviors that might be present and reach out for help. These are signs that you are not the abuser. Don’t let the abuser make you think you are the reason for their poor, abusive decisions. They use that tactic to maintain control over you and make the blame shifting easier the next time they become abusive.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.